


Clipped Wings

by ventisquear



Series: Clipped Wings [1]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-03-14
Updated: 2012-03-14
Packaged: 2017-11-01 22:50:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/362132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ventisquear/pseuds/ventisquear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stories from Zevran's past - from the time he was in the whorehouse, till the moment he met the Warden.</p><p>There will be no explicit description of child abuse (physical, sexual and emotional), violence or death, but these things WILL be implied.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Opportunity

When Giulia came to the nursery room and told them the Matron wanted to see them and pronto, he went obediently. Probably just another client who wanted their service.

There were eleven of children. It was because Lupanare Grande was the biggest brothel in Antiva. They were really lucky to be raised in such great place. It was clean and safe and had no illnesses. They were sheltered and pampered, all just thanks to the Matron's generous heart. They should never forget that and be grateful. The Matron often repeated that. Especially the part about being grateful.

He wasn't. He hated the place with all his might. The rooms with rich decorations, red and crimson and gold, the fluffy cushions, soft beds with silk sheets. The women with cold eyes and toothy smiles. They always widened their eyes, until it seemed they will pop out of their heads.

Once, when he was young, he asked Giulia why they did it and she said it was to make their eyes seem bigger and prettier. It didn't; it made them look funny and ugly. But when he said so to Giulia, she slapped him and sent him to bed without dinner. But that was ages ago. He was big now, almost seven, and knew better than to ask silly questions.

Most of all he hated the clients. The touch of their sweaty hands. And smell.

But there was nothing he could do about it. If he refused to go to a client, he would be beaten and left without food. Better to have it done as quickly as possible.

This client was different. The Matron was scared of him, even he could see that. "Children. This is signor Nario. He came to choose the best of you to make you apprentices of the Crows. It is a great opportunity and you should be grate..."

He stopped listening there. He had heard everything he needed. And he had already made up his mind - he _would_ be among those best.


	2. Not a Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story directly follows the first Zevran's memory from the story Cast Your Burden On Me Tonight from Failed to Fail series. The memory describes Zevran's first kill.

"Very good, Zevran." Master Xavier playfully stroke his cheek. "I am very pleased with you; you may have the morning to yourself. I expect you back at the training yard after lunch. Also, starting tonight, you will sleep in the quarter with my apprentices."

"Yes, Master. Thank you for your kindness, Master," he replied, forcing himself to smile a little.

Master Xavier chuckled. "Go now. We will have a lot more fun tonight."

He got up, and dressed as quickly as he could without looking disrespectful. It hurt to walk, but he did his best to not let it show on his face. Master Xavier didn't tolerate any weakness from his apprentices. With a final bow he left the room, holding his head up, with smile on his face, through the Masters' quarters and the training yard, until he finally reached the barracks for apprentices. He was aware of his fellow apprentices watching him, he heard someone shouting a crude joke after him, but he ignored it all. All he wanted was to clean himself, and then sleep until training that afternoon.

Maybe if he slept, he wouldn't see the pleading eyes of the man whose throat he slit. Or think about the night that followed. He knew he would have to get used to it very quickly. Now that Master Xavier claimed him as his apprentice, and started the second part of his training, both things would happen regularly. But he wanted to forget. At least for a while.

The _allenatore_ somehow already knew that he was allowed a free morning, and let him in the hall without question. He looked at the empty sleeping hall, straw cots and dirty blankets reeking of sweat, blood and piss. It was just the same as when he first came there. _Six years_. It felt like sixty. Nobody believed he would survive, they said he was too stubborn and too proud. But he did, _because_ he was too stubborn and proud. He was going to be the best Crow there was. And now he was one step closer to that goal. He had killed his first man. And yet, he didn't feel like celebrating; he felt dirty and tired.

There was enough water in the barrels for strip washing. It was cold, but that didn't matter. He started to undress again, when he heard door open. He tensed, but then relaxed as he heard the familiar voice.

"I saw you coming. I brought some soap, if you want."

He didn't answer; he only took the soap, and started to wash himself.

"Well? What was it like?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he snapped. He didn't want to think about it; he was managing it quite well before this little fool came.

"Come on, Zev. Would it kill you to tell me?"

He spun around and glared at the younger boy. Taliesen dropped his eyes.

Taliesen was two years younger than him; his parents sold him to the Crows when he was eight. Zevran once heard their _allenatores_ say that it was almost too late, that the Taliesen was too old to start the training. But just like him, the little human was too stubborn and proud to admit defeat and worked hard. Zevran liked that.

By the time Taliesen arrived, he had already been an apprentice for three years, and original doubts of his _allenatores_ were long forgotten. He was one of the best, and the little human was clever enough to realize it. Soon, the two of them had established a sort of business relationship;Taliesen performed small tasks for him, like washing his clothes, and in turn, he protected the younger boys from bullies, or showed Taliesen a few advanced tips that kept him at the top of his training group. The _allenatores_ knew about it, of course, but as it was clearly business, they did not mind.

So it was hardly surprising that Taliesen was here now.

"I just want to know –" Taliesen tried again.

He balled his fists. "About what? Killing or fucking?"

"Why are you so angry? I thought you'd be proud. I know I would –"

" _Proud_? You're an idiot! That guy was so weak he couldn't even get up! Do you think they would allow me to do it otherwise – that they would give him an actual chance to escape? There's nothing to be proud about! Nothing!"

He could see that Taliesen didn't believe him. The fool probably thought he just didn't want to say it, or didn't want to help him. The suspicion hurt. _We're not friends. We're just allies. Who cares what he thinks about me?_

"Fine," Taliesen muttered. "Fine! You think you're so smart, don't you, now that you're assigned to Master Xavier. Big deal! Maybe the guy you killed was a weakling, maybe the Masters didn't trust your skill enough! You're just a _knife-ear_ , after all. But mine will not be weak. And I'll do it earlier. I'm already almost as big as you. I bet they'll let me do it next year!"

 _Why should I care what happens to the fool? We're_ _ **not**_ _friends. Maybe he_ _ **will**_ _like it_. _But..._ He watched Taliesen walk away, and a cold dread filled him.

"You're still such a baby," he shouted after him mockingly. "You think you will impress anyone if you do it earlier than me? They will just laugh at you!"

Taliesen stopped. "I'm going to be the best apprentice ever. Why would they laugh?"

"Listen to me, Tal. It's…," he hesitated, unsure how to describe it. Master Xavier did not hurt him, and his body... reacted. But what he did was still disgusting. "It's nicer when you're older," he finished lamely. He could see that Taliesen wasn't buying it. "I overheard Mario once."

The name of the most sympathetic _allenatore_ finally got Taliesen's full attention. Mario was the only one who cared if they lived or died. It was not that he loved them, of course, he simply hated when his efforts were wasted.

"He was complaining when Master Rocco claimed one of the girls, you didn't know her, it was before you came. Mario was angry; he said that Master Rocco was ruining his work, that the girl was too young and that it's a waste of a promising apprentice. And he was right, Tal – she was dead within a year. Why do you think I waited till now? I deliberately pretended not to be the very best, so I could delay it."

It was a lie, of course. Only Masters decided when the apprentice started the second part of their training. But it seemed to finally convince the little fool. And it would stop him from doing anything stupid, like provoking the Masters, or to asking them to give him a really strong opponent. Masters would do it, for fun. And then they'd make others apprentices watch him die, as a warning. It wouldn't be the first time. He and Taliesen were not friends, but he didn't want to be responsible for Taliesen's death.

"All right, I'll wait," Taliesen said, after thinking it over for a while. "Thanks for telling me."

Zevran smiled. "But if they find out you're slacking from your training, you'll be dead before tomorrow morning, no? You better run now."

"Yeah. Good luck, Zev. Take care."

 _Luck has nothing to do with it_ , he thought bitterly, when Taliesen ran away and he could finally clean himself. _But maybe we'll survive_.


	3. Good Crow Is Hard To Find

The first time he met her, was the morning after Master Xavier claimed him as his apprentice. Sore, tired, but triumphant, he was hobbling to his new room, thinking about all the new and exciting things that would start now. Like having his own room. His fingers wrapped around the key more tightly. He did it; he had survived, and his ultimate goal–to become the best Crow ever–was one step nearer. Now, he had to convince Xavier that he was the best of the apprentices. That shouldn't be so difficult; he doubted that any of the others was quite his level. He hadn't met any of the other apprentices yet, but–

One of the doors opened, and a small elf walked out, yawning. They both stopped, watching each other warily. A boy, of his age, possibly even younger, small and skinny, dressed in tight leggings and loose white shirt, messy short hair that looked as if it hadn't been combed for days, bright face and lips twisted in a scornful smile.

"Not another freshling," the elf said, and he found out that it was a girl. "I really don't understand why Master takes so many… especially as unsexy as you. I bet you won't survive a week."

"I am sexy," he blurted, and immediately wished he could take it back. The elf's brow flew up, but she didn't say anything. Of course she didn't say anything–something that lame wasn't worth a reply.

Before he could come up with something properly witty, she closed the door behind her and walked past him, down the corridor. For a moment he wanted to cry after her, to ask for her name, but he decided he had embarrassed himself enough for a day. Or for a lifetime. No, he should come with something really impressive that would teach the damned knife-ear her place.

He looked at the door to her room. She didn't lock it. Fatal error. Really, how could an apprentice be that stupid? And the corridor was empty once again now. Without hesitation, he walked over, opened the door and stepped inside–

"Aaaaaaaaaaargh!"

He hopped out of the room, trying to pull out the bolt from his left thigh at the same time. But he was becoming dizzy; his hand was too heavy and didn't want to obey.

"Whasgoinon?"

"Who's that?"

"A new apprentice? Did he try to get into Rinna's room? Idiot."

"Heh. Wanna bet how long he'll last?"

"Mmm… it seems the bolt was poisoned… two hours."

Gritting his teeth, he limped into his room, pretending he didn't hear the laughter that was following him. There he calmly examined the wound. He should probably go to see the healer, but he'd rather die than to admit this humiliation. No, a poultice would have to do. _Rinna_. Stupid bitch. She was going to pay for this. Nobody humiliates _him_ without paying a terrible price. He would punish her, make her beg for mercy. In public. She would cry herself to death, when he was done with her. Just wait.

oOo

It didn't work quite like that. He managed to prove his worth and gain the respect of the other apprentices, but never her. Whenever she looked at him, her lips twisted into that scornful smile. _Give it up_ , the smile said, _I'm the best apprentice and you're just dirt under my feet_. The worst thing was, that he had to admit–albeit grudgingly–that she was _almost_ as good as him. He was better with daggers, and stronger, but she was much better in traps and poisons. Even the senior apprentices couldn't outmatch her in that.

Other than that, they were evenly matched, the two best apprentices of the year. Of course, neither of them liked that. Only one can be the best. Their rivalry soon became notorious; the other apprentices were making bets whenever the two of them were assigned a task.

And they were often assigned to work together. Officially, it was because the Master thought that working together brought out their full potential; privately he always suspected that the Master was simply amused by their hate of each other.

But… as annoying as the knife-ear was, he found that he was more irritated whenever he had to work with different partner. Compared to her, they were all so dumb. And clumsy. None of them moved as gracefully as her, it was a pleasure to watch. Not that he watched, of course, but he couldn't not notice, right? None of them had such a spark in their eyes, nor could they express so much by a single smirk.

When he and Rinna became lovers, nobody was surprised.

oOo

And then two became three, and life was as perfect as it could be.

There was nothing they couldn't do, there wasn't a target too difficult, a mission too dangerous. 'Team Art', they called them, as their fame spread, first within their cell and then trough the guild. Their names were always said in almost pious whisper: Arainai, Rinna, Taliesen. They were praised by the Masters, worshiped by other Crows.

Envied and hated by all.

But so certain of their own superiority, they didn't care. In those blessed years they really believed it could last, that they would move up the ladder and rule the Crows together.

Perhaps they would. The bond between them was… unique. Not friends–that word is such a cliché. No, it was so much more than that: they were equals. Each of them excelled in something else, but they were at the same level. That was why it worked so well: they could admire each other without jealousy and all that emotional nonsense. And they were expressing that admiration frequently and thoroughly.

Yes, they were happy years.

But then things changed again.

The three started to become two again, and in the worst possible way. If they had said they were bored of their arrangement, that they preferred to have sex without him, he would have accepted that. But this… they behaved like those clueless targets, not like Crows. Soon they would vow eternal love to each other, the way it was going. He wanted to scream in helpless rage and disgust. Were those two fools not aware what they were doing? Everything they were working so hard to achieve would be destroyed. And for what? For _what_?

"I see you finally opened your eyes to truth."

He winced; he didn't hear Master Xavier coming. And what was he supposed to say to that? What was truth, anyway?

"Most disappointing, isn't it?" The Master nodded towards the two fools below, who _still_ didn't realize that they were watched from the roof; the best proof how idiotic and dangerous all this 'love' business was.

"You're a good Crow. You know what needs to be done. I'll leave the decision to you. Choose wisely."

He looked at the two envelopes the Master gave him, the names written on them, and felt something shatter inside him. This was it, this was the end. Nothing was ever going to be the same.

"Yes, Master."

He remained on the roof long after the Master left, long after the two fools left, wondering if he would feel better if he could cry.

oOo

"Zev, we need to talk."

"Not now, Tal. We have to meet Rinna– "

"Zevran. Rinna betrayed us." How easily it came from his lips.

Yes, Master Xavier was right.

He was a good Crow.


	4. The Last Regret

She was watching him with those big, timid brown eyes, and his stomach clenched. It was not fair that her life had to end like this. But it was inevitable. There was no other way. How stupid of him, to get attached to her! After all, he knew what would happen the moment the trap was ready. From the very beginning, she was merely a tool. That she was young and beautiful, her firm body warm and pulsing with life, was irrelevant. A Crow could not care about such thing.

Better do it now, before the others got up. He would not give them the pleasure of seeing their boss in such a mess. That _was_ why he decided to do it himself, after all. It would have been easier to leave it to one of his subordinates, yes. But it would also have destroyed his authority, and that wouldn't do. No. No matter how today ended, he would not let these weaklings sneer at him.

Zevran sighed and walked over to her, gently touching her face. She suspected nothing; she even leaned into his touch. _Brasca_. This was not supposed to be this difficult. Trying to ignore those big eyes, still so full of trust, he untied her and led her to the place where they decided to set the trap.

"Forgive me," he muttered. "I know it does not matter to you, but I promise I will never again use a trap like this."

He slit her throat, and quickly stepped aside to avoid the gushing blood. She looked at him; surprised, confused, and tried to move forward to him, but her knees gave way under her and she fell down.

The other Crows were already arriving from the camp, but didn't pay much attention to him. He knew that there wasn't anything suspicious or unusual about the scene for them. Everyone knew that if this mission was successful, he would be promoted to Junior Master. If he wanted to participate in setting the trap in person, it was perfectly understandable. Not one of those fools could understand the little drama that just happened here. Or that her life was more important than any of them.

Which was an irony, no? The fact that he knew it and still did not care proved just how twisted he had become. And that his decision was right, after all.

 _If everything goes right, I will soon join you. And if not, I promise there will be no beef for dinner tonight_.

"I must say, it looks quite convincing." Genna walked over to him and looked down at the bleeding animal. "Adding the cows was really a nice touch. The Warden will not have a clue what's going on until the very end. You really are the best."

"Were there any doubts?" he laughed and offered her his arm. "I hope these Wardens are at least worth all the effort. But come now. Let's do something more pleasant."

_Wish me luck, my friend._


End file.
